Featured cherub today is Ryan Mudderman. Ryan is the angel son to Denise and this is what she had to share about her son:
“Ryan was our third child and our second angel (Jesse rose Jan 16 2000 anencephaly) born with an undiagnosed defect called congenital diaphragmatic hernia (cdh) June 23 2001. That morning I woke to my water break and we went 25 miles to Waterloo Iowa Covenant hospital to have a c-section. We were excited, we didn’t know the gender at the time so we were joking around about what we both wanted.
I was prepped and wheeled into surgery. Ryan was born early afternoon and once the cord was cut he started to turn blue, which i did not know at the time, and was whisked away. As I was laying on that table, I started to wonder what was going on…why isn’t he crying…I wasn’t told anything and couldn’t see anything. Finally I’m told he’s going to the nicu, he’s having trouble breathing. Later I was told he was resuscitated. They had no idea what was wrong.
I finally made it to my room, doctors came and said they were calling Iowa City Children’s hospital because they did not know what was wrong with our baby, he could have heart or lung problems, they just weren’t sure. Iowa City doctors arrived via helicopter to assess our baby and take him to Iowa City, but they were going to baptize him before he went. They did this in the nicu without me cause I couldn’t get out of bed from the csection. I told them my baby is not leaving this hospital without me seeing him, I wanted to be with my baby. I was told until I could feel my legs I couldn’t get out of bed. I started to move around as much as I could. I was going to see Ryan no matter what. 30 minutes later I was in the nicu. I was so scared, my baby was hooked up to tubes and wires. My life spiraled out of control quickly. I went from being excited to terrified in a few short hours.
Ryan was air lifted to Iowa City, I was taken by ambulance to Iowa City. I didn’t know if my baby would be alive when I arrived. But he was and I went to the nicu to see him within minutes after arriving hours after a c-section. I was walking to be with him. All I wanted to do was touch him, but I was told I couldn’t. The next day family started to arrive. By late afternoon, most everyone had arrived except my oldest son Jayson, who was 3 at the time and was with friend and cousins. The family was ushered into the next room so Dr’s could talk to us. We were told sadly there just isn’t anything we can do for your son, he’s shutting down. I went into melt down mode. Why is this happening to me again, why. I wanted to give Jayson a sibling, but this is so unfair. Once I calmed, I said I need Jayson here to meet his brother and say good bye.
Very late at night, Jayson came and met his brother and counted his toes. Not to confuse Jayson, we said toes Ryan had polydactyl hands and had extra digits. Very early June 25th 2001 Ryan was placed in my arms for the first and last time, I held him as they unhooked his oxygen. Ryan died in my arms and we were wheeled into a private wing of the hospital to grieve and care for our baby with a bath and clothes, get some pictures, and cut a lock of hair, etc…. I was discharged that next day to make funeral arrangements. June 28 2001 ( my birthday) we laid our son to rest at the foot of Tony’s grandmother, next to his sister Jesse Rose. The loss of a child is the hardest thing I’ve had to live with. I’ve done it twice and I will miss and grieve them until I can be with them in heaven. A person who loses a child has to find a new normal in order to find some happiness, but they will always have a part if them missing.”
